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But before I launch into that, a bit of a catch up from the past week or so. Firstly, thank you to all that joined last weeks Live Facebook Chat! It was my second time of doing of this and again, I was pretty nervy! Hopefully all that joined, enjoyed it though? The Tinder ‘poo story’ seemed to be a focal point and you can read the article here. I am always open to future ideas and suggestions, so please do get in touch if you’ve got anything you’d like to share. Secondly, I hope you and your children are back into a routine after the summer holidays and that school isn’t as bad for them as they expected! I loved looking at the photos of everyone’s first day back at school – so cute!
So we have covered off a number of topics to date (no pun intended), but I thought this one may be of interest to many of you. When a relationship breaks-down, it can be a tough time, not only for you, but potentially your children too. So how do you move on with your life? How do you build yourself back up? What have you learnt? Where do you go from here?
Not being in a relationship, doesn’t have to be lonely
It’s true, it doesn’t. Admittedly, one of the hardest things to get over in any relationship breakdown is the lack of contact with the other person, the conversation, the cuddles or even the day to day mundane things. Of course, if you have children, that will automatically help occupy your time when you have them.
If you all of a sudden have a bit more time on your hands and developed a new found sense of freedom, do that thing that you always wanted to do! Be it a new hobby, the bungee jump, a city you’ve never been to – just crack on! I only started writing my blog, as a result of a relationship break-up! By doing this, you will naturally not only start to feel at ease with yourself (which by the way, is massively important), but you will likely meet new and exciting people along the way too.
Try spending time with your friends, a relationship break-up is always a good excuse to catch up with friends and have that night out, or that coffee you always speak about, but never manage. Spend some time with a couple who really are into each other, not to make you feel bad about your break-up, but to make you realise, that actually, what you had maybe wasn’t as good as what you thought.
Staying in touch?
Dependent on the circumstances, usually emotions will be raw and there will be a temptation to try and find out what the other person is up to or how they are getting on. Are they hurting as much as you? While it is tempting and potentially even comforting knowing this, it really shouldn’t be your focal point. If the person you have broken up with is the parent of your children, then of course it is important to stay in touch and have contact. That said, do you really need to be friends with them on Facebook? You must do what you think is right, but for me, no one needs a reminder on their timeline about your ex’s boozy night out or seeing them even with a new partner! And another thing, DO NOT do the whole drunken call or text thing – try and contact a friend instead!
We have discussed this so many times on my Facebook page and also in other posts I have written here. Dating can be the devil – especially if you are not mentally ready! Wanting company or trying to find a substitute for your ex is normal, but please make sure you are ready before you start dating again. It is likely you are feeling vulnerable and therefore it can really damage you and set you back even more if you aren’t ready. Why? Because the rejection is rife and probably the guy or girl you are really into is probably texting/chatting to 4 or 5 different people!! Most people tend to meet via the internet these days and it is a brutal process! Sure, many find happiness on there, but usually there will be some stories to tell on the way!
If you aren’t ready to date, then that’s ok – but when you are take things slowly and remember communication is key!
Your children, will potentially have their own issues or anxieties based on the situation, it is important to reassure them and make them feel loved and wanted. Try and answer their questions honestly (while protecting them) and without bitterness, no matter what you are feeling inside.
Children pick up on so many things, so even doing some crafts with them, baking a cake or even a trip out will help create some stability and normality for them. You want to know they are ok, but they want to know you are ok! Try and avoid talking about the break-up in front of them or bad mouthing the ex when talking to friends or family etc. I wrote an article a while back ‘stay classy’ which may help.
So in summary and in no particular order, the key:
Things to avoid:
- Drunken phone calls/texts
- Don’t waste your energy in getting one over on them, use your energy to restore yourself
- Do not post your relationship breakdown all over social media – that is no good for anyone!
- Stop blaming yourself or over analysing – if only you did more of this, or didn’t do that – it won’t make you feel any better.
- If you have children together, do not use them as ‘go-between’s’. Try to communicate effectively with your ex, don’t rely on the children to do this and definitely don’t ask the children questions about your ex!
Things to be thankful for:
- Focus on you and what you want to do (be a bit selfish if you can!) – learn a new skill or hobby – do that thing you always wanted to do
- Learn from the experience, use it to your advantage when ready to date. Allow it to define what you want and don’t want in your next relationship.
- That you can actually deal with the break-up! You’ve got this! A relationship breakdown can teach you a lot about your character that you didn’t yet know!
- You may not think it at the time, but maybe, just maybe – it might be the best thing that ever happened to you.
- And you may need to no longer pretend to like that annoying friend or relative!
Look after yourself
Yes it is tempting to turn to junk food or alcohol to get over your woes and while there is a place for a bit of self-pity and comfort eating/drinking, it isn’t sustainable long term! You need a clear mind and to be able to focus; whether that is on you, your children, your work or life in general. Try not to be fooled, or sucked back in to what could be a bad situation, don’t be that couple that break-up and get back together all the time – retain some dignity and self-respect. Establish a routine that works, sleep and try and enjoy yourself. It’s important not to be afraid to ask people for help and if you are going through a break-up and need some support then relate who are a charity, offers lots of useful and free advice. They even offer a free online counseling web based chat service.